


Emergence

by WaterlilyRose



Series: Respite [3]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Anxiety, Depressive, F/M, Married Couple, Mental Health Issues, Pre-natal worries, Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-10
Updated: 2017-10-10
Packaged: 2019-01-15 14:53:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,209
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12323241
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WaterlilyRose/pseuds/WaterlilyRose
Summary: She's having a baby. He's going to be a father.But who would wish the Skywalker blood on anyone?





	Emergence

When Rey had quietly handed him the stick, he had been forced to read it three times before he believed it.

 

**Pregnant 1-2 weeks.**

 

Kylo had almost waved it as though it were an Etch-O-Sketch and shaking it would provide a different answer. As though the Clear Blue pregnancy test wasn’t the most accurate on the market. It’s why he’d spent £13.99 on the damn thing.

 

“We’re having a baby Kylo.” Rey had whispered it like saying it too loud might make it untrue. Because he knew all too well that this was what she’d truly wanted her whole life.

 

He hadn’t leapt for joy or beamed with pride; he’d just pulled her into a hug. She was trembling. So was he. But for completely different reasons.

 

Her shakes were from maternal pride. His was from fear.

 

_It’s gonna be like me._

 

* * *

 

Everyone had been delighted at the news. His mother was incandescent with joy. His father had to actually prise the credit card out of her hand to stop her booking a plane straight to London to hug her daughter-in-law until a rib cracked. Finn was no less ecstatic.

 

“I’m gonna be an Uncle!” He’d cried as he’d caught Rey’s hands and skipped her around the living room to much laughter and cries.

 

“So am I.” Call-Me-Poe clapped his hands together. “I think ‘Uncle Poe' has a nice ring to it!”

 

Uncle Poe? His child was gonna called this idiot, _Uncle Poe_?

 

Kylo had strode over to his drinks cabinet as soon as the thought entered his head. He suddenly needed a Jack Daniels very very badly.

 

Hux and Phasma had seemed pleased in their own muted way. There was no cracking out the cigars though; merely Hux declaring that Kylo would never have a decent night’s sleep again.

 

Hux and Phasma had also been blessed with a baby not a few months ago. The strawberry blond newcomer had inherited her father’s demeanour and started to cry whenever Kylo was in the same postal region. Yet Phasma seemed as proud as though she’d just been voted Miss Universe. Even Hux seemed not too annoyed by it. Kylo still thought that Millicent was in charge of their house though. That cat was surely the evil cousin of Crookshanks from Harry Potter.

 

He also didn’t voice that he hadn’t been sleeping too well lately anyway.

 

As Rey’s stomach began to swell, so did his anxiety. Yet he felt unable to talk to anyone. Who could he tell exactly? Not Rey; it would break her heart. Not Hux; he’d just tell him to suck it up. He’d rather swan dive into the mouth of a sea monster than asked Call-Me-Poe for help.

 

He was isolated in his worry; in his panic.

 

_It will be like me. I know it._

 

Stupidly Kylo had never considered the consequences of having children. He’d daydreamed about them vaguely in the days when he was preparing to propose to Rey. Yet in those dreams Rey had been in a great white gown and violins were playing as she walked down the aisle. Reality was quite different. Reality had been Rey buying a nice white dress from River Island and the two of them popping to City Hall. His mother had been crestfallen but apparently neither of them had been equipped for the stress of wedding planning.

 

“I want to be a wife; not a bride.” Rey had asserted.

 

So why hadn’t he prepared for this properly?

 

He’d never wanted children before Rey. The Skywalker line dying with him had sounded a good deal. Besides he wasn’t good with children. The sound of their tantrums and cries unnerved him. Not to mention they would be born into a world that seemed to have endless pain and suffering.

 

And then there was the hereditary pain and suffering…

 

He’d done hours of research on the Internet when Rey had been asleep. There were arguments for and against. Some psychiatrists swore that mental health issues were handed down. At best they can skip a generation but they always come out to play eventually. Others claimed that it was merely coincidence and depended on the individual entirely.

 

But his grandfather had gone mad. His uncle wasn’t exactly stable. Kylo had to take tablets every day to not fall to pieces.

 

Which meant the baby…

 

He’d turned the shower on and stood beneath the water. His tears were washed away and the sound of the shower killed the sounds of his chokes. How could he have been so selfish?

 

He knew Rey suspected that something wasn’t quite right. Her eyes kept darting to him whenever the pregnancy was bought up. Like she was anxious. Kylo did everything right on the surface. He went to antenatal classes, he attended every scan and he rubbed her lower back and feet when they swelled up. He remained patient when Rey’s hormones went haywire, throwing crockery one moment and demanded sex on the rug by the fire the next.

 

She didn’t know how the antenatal classes freaked him out and the other parents annoyed him. There were at least three couples who were proudly on their fourth, were planning a water birth and believed that herbal tea was the key to a smooth delivery. Kylo wanted to tell them to piss off back to their commune. They seemed to be able to read his doubts and judged him for it. Luckily Rey never wanted to stay and chat either.

 

The scans were interesting. To see a blurry image of his child had been fascinating but not the heart stopping moment people had promised it would be. He didn’t cry with happiness like Rey did though he tried to put on a convincing show of being awed. The head was the only part he could say without difficulty that he could see. The heartbeat had been better. He’d felt a twinge that felt like relief.

 

The baby sounded healthy physically at the very least.

 

And as for the mood swings… well it was no more than he deserved.

 

Rey had been clearly happy when he’d asked if he could have a copy of the scan to carry around with him. He took it out a lot and stared at it. It reminded him that this was really happening.

 

He tried to talk to bump. Tried to explain that he wasn’t doing this on purpose. That he didn’t want to be a terrible father. It’s just that he was missing something that made him differently wired to others. But the bump was attached to Rey and he couldn’t say any of this without her hearing.

 

It was once again Han that got him talking. His parents arrived in the UK about one month before the birth to help in any way they could. Han was the one who noticed that his son looked strained and drawn while Rey was glowing. At first Kylo had once again refused to talk.

 

Once again it was over drinks one night that Kylo let it burst its boundaries.

 

“How can I be a father? The Skywalkers all end up mad! The baby…” He’d been trembling worse than ever.

 

Han had been surprisingly firm.

 

“You are NOT mad!” He’d told Kylo with a shake on his shoulders. “Yes, the illness might be hereditary but so what? It might not. It might inherit your hair. It might be bald by the time its twenty. But making yourself frantic won’t help. Don’t make the same mistakes I did.”

 

Kylo had always despised his father’s weakness in the face of his own illness. Now he was less harsh in his judgements. Being the perfect parent seemed impossible. The baby wasn’t even born and he was already messing up.

 

* * *

 

The birth was oddly good for Kylo. He had a purpose and knew what to do. He breathed with Rey when he contractions came thick and fast. He got her lots of water and told her again and again that she was going to do this. She’d be a brilliant mother. He meant that too; she was born for this.

 

He didn’t flinch when she cried out in pain. He didn’t grimace when her nails bit into the palm of his hand as she gripped it as she pushed. And when there was another cry, he didn’t breathe for five seconds.

 

But they didn’t hand the baby to them. The nurses started talking rapidly.

 

“What is it? What’s going on?” Kylo suddenly felt panic.

 

“We’re going to have to take the baby to ICU. She’s having difficulty breathing.”

 

Rey had tried to sit up. But she’d been too weak. Her tears of relief at the birth now turned to tears of anguish.

 

“My baby...” She whimpered.

 

My baby, Kylo had thought numbly.

 

* * *

 

There was apparently no reason to panic.

 

“She has a little fluid on her lungs and needs a bit of help for a week or two.” The nurse had explained to them both gently. “We’re going to keep an eye on her as she progresses but there’s no need to panic. Probably within a week at most, she’ll be right as rain and ready to go home with you both.”

 

Kylo had soothed Rey the best he could. Yet he felt anxiety shoot through him like volts.

 

He wanted to see her. Her. She was a girl.

 

Rey was wheeled to Intensive Care and they saw their daughter for the first time. Kylo hadn’t envisioned their first meeting being separated by what looked like a fish tank. Yet apart from a small tube being attached to her nose, the baby looked perfectly fine.

 

She was dressed in a pink baby grow with a little hat covering her head. Did she have any hair he wondered? She was tiny. Too small to be allowed. How had he produced something so little?

 

Rey wiped away many tears as she made promises to their little daughter that she could come out soon. That this was just to make her tip-top and she had waited so long to see her.

 

Kylo mused she’d probably been waiting her entire life.

 

* * *

 

Rey was forced to rest two hours later and Kylo saw her to sleep almost instantly. He wanted to stay with his wife yet something was drawing him back to that little ward. He made the nurse promise to alert him if Rey woke up and then went back down the way he had come.

 

It was night-time now and the wards were dark. He felt like he was walking down a tunnel towards his destination. The ICU was even darker.

 

He took a seat beside his daughter and looked in. So small. So delicate.

 

She was too pretty to not be Rey’s doppelgänger. Yet he thought that she’d inherited his pout. It gave him a little thrill to see it.

 

They were finally alone. He could speak freely at last.

 

“Hello.” Good start. “I’m not sure you know but… I’m your dad.” Another little thrill. “We haven’t spoken much. Apart from me telling you that its a hot day or that you needed to stop wiggling so your Mum could sleep. Sorry about that. You probably have some questions about why I've been so distant. Well, I’ll be straight with you: this family you’ve been born into… it’s dysfunctional. We have quirks. Not all of them pleasant. We think too much. See things that aren’t there. Get sadder than average. I hope you don’t suffer that. I really do. But you might. And that’s my fault. I’m scared. I’m scared that I’ll be a bad father to you… and I don’t want that. I want to be a good parent. I really do. Your Mum… she’s amazing. She won’t let you down as she’s not capable. She loves you so much. And I love you too. I might not be much good at it but...”

 

In this time, he’d idly ran his finger over her little hand. She was so soft to touch. Then almost unbidden, her hand opened and closed around his finger. For something so tiny, her grip was so strong.

 

It happened then. A rush of love that overpowered his fear. She was his daughter and it didn’t matter if she suffered the Skywalker curse. He’d be there and he’d be patient. He couldn’t protect her from the nastiness of the world but damn it, he could try.

 

“You’ll be our joy.” He murmured in wonderment.

 

* * *

 

Rey and Joy were allowed to go home after a week. The nurse had been quite right; the baby was perfectly fine.

 

They would all be fine. Not perfect but they could come close enough that they would be perfectly imperfect. Kylo found that little else calmed him like having his daughter sleeping on his chest. The crown of her head, which did indeed have a mop of dark hair, was sweet smelling. It was his favourite scent in the world.

 

He marvelled as Joy grew bigger and stronger. Her smile when gifted was huge and all consuming. She didn’t have any unhappiness; on the contrary she was as content as they came.

 

And so was Kylo. It was new and a bit scary but he’d encountered worse. Much worse.


End file.
